The Gay from Brokeback Mountain

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman & determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was GAY & the other a drunk.
She thought long & hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the GAY guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day & knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the 2 of them worked, & the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand
"You have done a really good job, & the ranch looks great.
You should go into town & kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed & went into town one SATURDAY NIGHT.
1 o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
2 o'clock, & no hired hand.
He returned around 2.30, & upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse & take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently & placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told & dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my underwear."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again,
YOU'RE FIRED."

Amish Hand Warmer

This joke is quite hillarious and hope you guys enjoy it!

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one coldblustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warmthem up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.He said, "My nose is cold."The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?

hotel joke...

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Penang to KL. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired tocontinue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that, although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But, we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous."The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Hong Kong perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.!

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But, sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have!"

another joke...

Recommend you guys read this before you guys>> go to our HR and ask for a promotion or pay raise.....After 2 years of selfless service, a man realised that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation.

The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying, "My friend, you have not worked here for even one day!"

The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager: "How many days are there in a year?"
Man: "365 days and some times 366"
Manager: "How many hours make up a day?"
Man: "24 hours"
Manager: "How long do you work in a day?"
Man: "8am to 4pm. i.e . 8 hours a day."
Manager: "So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?"
Man (did some arithmetic) and said: "8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)"
Manager: "That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?"
Man: "122 (1/3x366 \u003d 122 in days)"
Manager: "Do you come to work on weekends?"
Man: "No sir"
Manager: "How many days are there in a year that are weekends?"
Man: "52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days"
Manager: "Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?"
Man: "18 days."
Manager: "OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?"
Man: "4 days"
Manager: "Do you work on New Year day?"
Man: "No sir!"
Manager: "Do you come to work on workers day?"
Man: "No sir!"
Manager: "So how many days are left?"
Man: "2 days sir!"
Manager: "Do you come to work on the National holiday?"
Man: "No sir!"
Manager: "So how many days are left?"
Man: "1 day sir!"
Manager: "Do you work on Christmas day?"
Man: "No sir!"
Manager: "So how many days are left?"
Man: "None sir!"
Manager: "So, what are you claiming?"
Man: "I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days."

Boys will be Boys

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard
students. As it was the
first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the
students to introduce
themselves with name and hobby.

She said, "Let's start with the boys first."

Boys start giving their intro...

First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see
bubble in the bathtub."

Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting.
Well, Ok. In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And
after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John.
Yes next."

Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the
bathtub."

Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of
supporting a friend. Ok next."

Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."

Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."


This continues...

and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is
to see bubble in the bathtub."

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be
able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."

First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."

Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok
next."

Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect
perfumes."

Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok
next. You sweet girl; Yes you..."

Most beautiful girl of the class:

"Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath
three times a day."

this is funny... muahaha..

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman
sitting in a wheel chair.
He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said,
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you....you have no legs!"
The old man smiled,
"Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently.
"Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and
said, "I RANG THE DOORBELL DIDN'T I?"